Category: Grief

It’s OK to Love Again

Sometimes it might be hard to comprehend, but it is OK to love more than one person in your lifetime. We do not have a limit on the amount of love we have to give. When our children are born, we often think about how we never knew that we could love something so much. Then concern grows when you’re expecting another child and you wonder how on earth you have enough love to love the same again?! But it just happens. It’s like your heart just shuffles things around and makes room.

When someone we love dies, and I am primarily talking about a partner or romantic interest, it is understandable at the beginning to think and truly believe that we will never love again. However, sometimes we are unfortunate enough to lose a lover when we have so much more of our life left to live and so much to experience, would we really want to never experience love again?

I’m here to tell you that it is OK to fall in love again.

Losing a partner is one of the most difficult things we could ever experience, whether from a long-term illness or through spontaneous loss. It often feels that the darkness on the road of bereavement will be perpetual, but one day you will open your eyes and perhaps feel ready to dip a toe back in the water of companionship, dating and possibly even love.

Some will actively decide to try dating again after a while, and some may be waiting for a sign to let them know it’s OK to be friends with someone of the opposite gender again. The important thing is to wait and know when you are ready. There is no right or wrong about when you will be ready… for some, it is months, other years and for some it is truly never, and they are content as they are.

The important thing is to have the conversation with yourself and ensure that you are truly ready so that you are being fair on both yourself and prospective new partners. You also need to remember that if you do manage to find love again, that it is OK and does not mean you loved your previous partner any less.

It simply means, your heart grew once again to let someone else in.

“When it’s gone, you’ll know what a gift love was. You’ll suffer like this. So go back and fight to restore it.”
Ian McEwan

How to Cope with The Death of a Pet

When someone you love passes away, it is very natural to feel sad, show grief and expect friends and family to give you the understanding and comfort that you need.

However, when it comes to the death of a pet, we don’t always get that understanding. Some people will simply not be able to comprehend how central a pet can be to someone’s life and may not understand why you are upset over “just a pet.”

Part of the family

What some people have a hard time grasping is that a pet can mean just as much to you and sometimes more than other people. We love our pets and consider them members of the family and often celebrate their birthdays or involve them in other family times like Christmas. So when a beloved pet passes away, it is completely understandable to feel overwhelmed by a sense of loss.

The first step to coping with the loss of a pet is accepting the fact that they can mean the world to you; they provide companionship, emotional support and unconditional love. By acknowledging and accepting the bond between you, you’ve already taken the first step towards coping.

By finding a way to cope with the grief you are feeling you can turn the tears from memories into smiles of remembrance.

Grieving

There is no one way to grieve, it is a very individual process. For some it will last days and for others it will be years. Generally, there is a process which tends to start with denial as this offers a sort of protection from the realisation of the loss.

Some people will feel anger, towards everyone and everything and others perhaps will feel guilt that they couldn’t save their pet. Others may completely shut down, as they feel it is inappropriate to have the feelings they do because it is, after all, “just a pet.”

Once these feelings pass, then an owner will probably experience the true sadness of grief. Some often become withdrawn and even depressed. Unfortunately, until acceptance of the loss is reached, the sadness will continue.

How to cope

As we have said, grief is a personal experience, but you need not deal with it alone. There are many forms of support available including counselling services, hotlines or local groups, books, magazine articles and many more.

Some ways to cope might be;

  • You must acknowledge your grief and allow yourself the opportunity to express it.
  • Don’t feel ashamed to reach out to others so you can share your grief. Look around online and you will find people going through the same thing that you can talk to.
  • Try writing down your feelings in either a journal or short story or whatever works for you.
  • Prepare a memorial for your pet and a place you can go to remember them.

The most important thing of course is to be kind to yourself and accept that it is okay to feel loss, pain and hurt and that at some point in the future, the sadness will turn to fondness for the memories that you had.

If you need to talk, I am here and ready to listen.

What is Bereavement Therapy?

It can take months, sometimes even years, to even begin understanding how you feel when you lose a loved one. Emotions are heightened, some of them are new and they’re often so intense it feels as if we will be overwhelmed!

Sometimes it feels as though we simply cannot cope with everyday life, that we’re going to be consumed by our grief. Or that we simply do not understand the feelings we are experiencing when it comes to grief. It is at this point that something like Bereavement Therapy can really make all the difference.

Grief is painful and exhausting and there is no right way to deal with it. It can sometimes seem easier to hide from these feelings all together rather than confronting them. However, working through the sadness and allowing ourselves to feel and express our feelings can really help the bereavement process to begin.   There are many ways that grief can manifest and it differs for each person, below are just some of the ways in which people can suffer:

Anxiety
Fatigue
Dreams
Crying fits
Anger

Bereavement therapy will do just that. It is there to allow the bereaved person a neutral party to talk with, cry with and express all their feelings to, without feeling like a burden upon those around them.

Bereavement therapy or bereavement counselling involves supporting people through the experience of losing someone close to them. It’s a chance to work through the grief as well as learning some coping mechanisms to help when they’re on their own.

Bereavement counselling is literally for anyone, of any age suffering grief from whatever kind of loss. If your life is being adversely affected by the overwhelming sense of loss, then you need to speak to someone and let those feelings out.

Talking about death is the first step to overcoming it and that is what a Bereavement therapist is for. I am there to listen and help.

“Bereavement is terrible, of course. And when somebody you love dies, it’s a time for reflection, a time for memory, a time for regret.”
R. Dawkins

How to Tell Children About Death

As an adult it can completely overwhelm and consume us. For children, it can sometimes be even harder to move through and past the death of a loved one, primarily because they simply might not have the emotional capability and understanding to deal with such a situation.

Some people believe that they should withhold the information of someone dying from their children and of course it is their decision, but honesty is usually the best way. Sooner or later they will realise something is not right and then you might need to tell them anyway, which may make it more difficult. If they loved and cared for someone, they should know what has happened to them.

We know that death is an inevitable part of life, but talking about death is something most of us, if not all, are not very good at because the subject is too painful or we simply don’t know what to say.

Death happens in so many different ways. It can be sudden, expected, prolonged or even accidental; none of us really knows how we are going to die. Part of the experience of death is finding ways to accept what has happened, express what we are feeling and find ways to move on. We, as adults, need to find ways to help our children to do this too.

So, what advice can we give about telling a child about death?

  • Be truthful – it is better to be honest right from the start and tell them immediately so that they don’t overhear parts of conversations and misunderstand.
  • Be Clear – Don’t try and soften your words by using things like “passed” or “we’ve lost them” because this can be misinterpreted by children. Don’t be afraid to use the words dead and died.
  • Be prepared – Each person reacts differently to death and this is the same with children so be prepared for a variety of different emotional responses. None of them are wrong and you need to allow your child to express how they are feeling whether it comes across as happy, sad, angry or unfeeling.
  • Don’t Overload – Try not to overload them with lots of information at once. Gauge how much information your child can handle and break everything down in to chunks of that size.
  • Cry – One of the best things you can do for your child is to cry. Allow them to see you cry. Crying is simply the opposite of smiling and it’s okay to show them how you are feeling and to let them know that it is okay for them to do it too.

During times of grief, we often forget about taking care of ourselves especially if our children are grieving too. However, children will always learn from what they see, so ensuring you practice a little self-care is important so that they follow suit.

Everyone grieves in their own way. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. You will all need to understand that a “new normal” will take the place of the old one – and that time is needed to adjust to it, especially if it is a significant death that will impact upon daily life. If you think you need or your children need additional support, reach out as it is there to be found in places such as your child’s school, your doctor, private counselling or bereavement support charities which exist for both adults and children.

The biggest advice of all is simply to take things one step at a time.

What to Keep When Someone Passes

There is no defining the feeling of loss because it is different for each and every one of us. When someone passes it can affect us in small and what might be perceived as insignificant ways or in huge categoric waves of sorrow. Either way, it is life changing.

Then, as time passes and the months or even years go by, the time comes when you have to decide what to do with the life they have left behind. Most people who leave this earth will leave behind possessions be it a couple of boxes or an entire estate.

The question is; what do you keep? What do you get rid of? Is it okay to get rid of anything? It can be an incredibly daunting situation to be confronted with, especially during such an emotionally raw and difficult time.  Below are some thoughts which may help:


Bring A Little Help

Make sure you reach out and ask for some help from trusted friends or family members. Most people want to help when they know someone who has experienced grief or loss but simply don’t know how. Even if they simply sit next to you and listen or provide emotional support, this is not a task anyone should have to tackle alone.

Choose your time

There is no right or wrong time, it doesn’t have to be done immediately, it doesn’t all have to be done together, for example, you may want to keep some special items of clothing that remind you of happy or special occasions. There is often a lot to be done so take your own time. From my experience most people seem to know when it feels right for them.

Prepare Yourself

Before trying to make any specific decisions about the little things and what to keep and what not to, take a walkthrough of the space you need to organise or have a look through the boxes you’ll need to sort so you can get a sense of the size and scale of what you’ll need to do so it’s not a complete shock. You’ll also be able to think about any supplies you might need like boxes, markers, labels etc.

Make sure to set yourself some kind of time-frame and don’t work for too long. It’s likely that whilst there will be fond memories it will be very exhausting both physically and emotionally and now more than ever is a time for self-care.

Trust Your Instincts

At the end of the day it is as simple as that. There is no right or wrong answer on what you should keep and what you should not. Try and be realistic – do you have the space? Is what you want to keep going to cause you issues or be a hindrance? Would they have wanted you to keep this or would they have liked it to be passed on?

Choosing not to keep something is okay – you have so many options other than keeping it such as;

  • Passing on to another family member or friend
  • Giving to charity
  • Recycling
  • Selling and buying something to remember the departed by or having a party to celebrate their life.

More often than not, when faced with the items before you, you’ll know what you want to keep and what you know in your heart is okay for you to let go of. No one will judge you and no one will think anything of your decision.

Remember to focus on the things that matter and remember there is no obligation. Guilt will not help and at the end of the day it is your decision to make about what is meaningful and has a place with you.

 

Feeling bad about feeling good

When we experience deep sorrow for whatever reason, one of the hardest things that follows can be feeling good once again.  A moment of happiness can fill us with remorse, guilt and all sorts of other things – isn’t it ironic that a feeling of happiness can make us feel so bad.

It is incredibly hard when you have experienced great sadness or loss to trust that things may finally be looking up. However, when things do start to finally head on the right path, the guilt we experience can often set us back.

Why do we feel this way? Perhaps because a feeling of happiness or even just feeling okay can make us feel like we’re okay with what has happened and that we’re ready to move on, which of course we might not be ready to do. It feels simply wrong.

What you should remember is that this is all perfectly normal and whilst it might feel like you’re the only one experiencing these feelings, you’re really not alone. Mistakenly, people think that their grief needs to end and be complete before they can once again be free to enjoy happiness and good things.

Coping with the feelings that come with grief is a complicated matter.  Someone asking, ‘how are you?’ can be very innocent on their part but open such a complex can of worms for you. You may not want to admit you’re struggling but find it equally difficult to answer that you’re okay, meaning there is no actual answer you can give.

What we need to understand is that we don’t just feel one emotion at any given time. According to Google we can have anywhere between 50,000-80,000 thoughts per day and our emotions, which are very closely tied to our thoughts, also tend to change with them.

The whole “If I am happy then I can’t be sad anymore” logic simply isn’t true. Not all 80,000 thoughts we experience in a day are going to be happy or all sad. There will be a mix of everything depending on where we are, what we are doing and what we are experiencing.

If you have recently experienced a loss, don’t be afraid to smile or even laugh. A moment of happiness should be a welcome moment of respite from the overwhelmingness that can be grief. Equally, if you’re at a good time in your life when everything is going well, don’t feel bad if you feel a little down. We can’t be happy, sunshine people all the time.

We will never eradicate the feeling of guilt for feeling happy when we are in fact sad, but know that it’s okay and you aren’t alone.

How to deal with grief during the Christmas period


If you look around at Christmas time, mostly what you will see is smiling faces, laughter, happiness, perhaps a little over indulgence and someone flustered behind the scenes from trying to get everything done and perfect.

What you don’t tend to see or perhaps a better way to put it is don’t want to see is sadness and grief. Christmas can be a painful time whether it’s your first year without someone who has died, or you were bereaved long ago. Losing a loved one is always hard, but the festive season can make it even tougher to be missing someone.

The traditions that used to bring joy now act as a painful reminder of the person who is no longer here to share it with us. Different people will choose to cope with grief at Christmas in different ways. There is no right or wrong way to do things, the important thing is that it is the right way to do things for you. Take some time, early on, to think about how you want to do Christmas and how this will or won’t affect those around you whether or not they are bereaved as well.

Some bereaved people find that they do not wish to celebrate Christmas at all, whilst some find that simply maintaining their routine and celebrating as normal is the best tribute they can pay their loved one.

Make time within the hustle and bustle of Christmas to express your feelings of grief. It’s so important that you feel able to talk about and cry for your lost loved one with people who will really listen without trying to ‘fix’ you.

Trying to keep to regular patterns of sleeping and eating are small things that can make a difference. We can all drink more on festive occasions, but it’s important to remember that using alcohol to escape the pain of loss provides only very temporary relief.

Don’t deprive yourself, but be careful not to let the rich Christmas foods become your comfort at this hard time. Make sure you are eating healthy, nutritious foods and drinking plenty of water.

Finally, find ways to celebrate and honour the life of the person you have lost. Sing some Christmas carols they loved or dance madly to some of their favourite festive tunes. If there was a cause that was particularly meaningful to them, consider volunteering there or helping out in the community.

Of course if you need to talk, we’re always here. 01202 303722 or info@john-sackett.co.uk